Today is my daughter's nanny's last day.
I am so looking forward to being home with my daughter and my twins once they arrive. The last few years since we moved, I never really "found" my place at work. Although I have to admit, I've had a good run of it working from home since we moved and since my daughter has been born.
We first went through a few weeks of day care at the beginning - which were terrible weeks for us. It just didn't work for us. My daughter cried the entire day every day. I determined she was not the "daycare" type. Then we went through 2 different nanny's before we found our beloved Emily.
I have this theory that having a nanny has made me a better mother and not for the reasons you've probably heard before: "I enjoy my children more because I'm not with them all day." That's not it for me. It may sound completely ridiculous, granted it is a completely ridiculous theory, but it is my theory. I've learned from watching others with my child, in my home, things that I like and things that I don't like which otherwise, I may have never noticed in myself. It's like looking in a mirror sometimes when you watch someone else with your children.
Here is a little background on our past nanny experiences and what I learned.
Lesson 1: Just becuase they look perfect on paper does not mean they are perfect. Our first nanny was a mother of three grown children. A missionary for 20 years, mentored young ladies in our church and a registered nurse. She was a lovely lady who just knew a little better than I did sometimes on how to raise my newborn. She was also not flexible since she had her own children and responsibilities to care for. She did however always kept my house clean, did laundry and ironed! Swept, mopped, vacuumed, all of which I would probably die for now! But I never asked her to do these things so I found myself a little offended. And, as a new mom, I was worried my house was being more taken care of then my child. I would describe her as having the "grandmother" syndrom. She felt she had rights over my child because she was older and wiser than I was. I determined that my child is much more of a priority than clean clothes and clean floors and even though I was a new mom, no one knew better than me even if they had three grown children. I am in charge of what I want for my children.
Lesson 2: don't trust references; trust your instincts. Our second nanny was 26 and had been married for 7 years with no children of her own. She was sweet and very quiet. Had early childhood education background, knew baby sign language, was cpr certified and spoke a second language. I liked the way she interacted with my child. Needless to say, she never picked up a broom and I was happy about it because it made me feel like all the attention was on my child. This was until I started to notice that she was always typing and texting on her phone. When I walked into the room she looked "caught off guard" trying to put her phone down quickly. Really? Who is she emailing all day I wondered? It seemed strange. I found myself rushing to get home on days I had appointments or needed to travel for work. I started looking for things...I noticed that the babies Benadryl was disappearing in large portions. She said she was taking it for back surgery and was not allowed to swallow pills. That very day I got on the internet only to find photos of her wearing my clothes. She was a short lived nanny we had for maybe 3 months. I wanted to call all her references that all gave great reports and let them know what happen, but the folder I kept that in no longer contained her reference sheet! Odd. This lesson we all know too well: never trust anyone with your children even when they come with good references.
I almost gave up then. As I have always had the "choice" to work. My husband was addiment that I stay home and take care of our daughter myself. And if I had a 8-5 job in an office I probably would have. But I've had the luxury of working from home and felt that I wanted the best of both. I wanted to keep my identity as a working woman. I love the glamour of putting on an expensive business suite and taking designers and architects to lunch. I love the confidence it gives me, the independence and the structure. Three things I want for my children as well: confidence, independence and structure. I truly believe that working is not all selfish on my part, but is providing a role model for my children. And at the same time I love being with my child. I've had all the flexibility in the world to spend as much time with her as I wanted and still work. Actually at first, even though I worked full time, I only had our nanny come Tuesday - Thurday and on Mondays and Fridays I got my work done during her naps and just made no appointments those days.
So...I gave it one more shot. This is when we found our third nanny who has been with us a little over a year.
E came to us as a friend of a friends. I liked her from the beginning becuase she is a lot like me - a LOT different than me - but a lot like me. Same morals and strong Christian background. Loves athletics and taking care of herself and most important loves children. She has a natural gift for children. E has been with us over a year and after just a few months, the bond she formed with my daughter was priceless. I would come home and tell my child it was time for E to go home. My daughter would cling on to E so tightly and start to cry. She wanted nothing to do with me. For some mothers this might be very upsetting. For me, however, it was awesome. I loved that my daughter could bond with somoene else rather than me. I loved that she could trust someone else. I loved that E was her perfect playmate. E had no other responsibilities other than my daughter from 9-5 which meant she gave all her focus to her. Something that I, even as her mother, could never provide her.
My daughter today is quite two years old and she loves people. She believes anyone who comes over to the house is a new playmate for her. She has a high vocabulary and can tell you all about her day. She can count, knows her colors and loves to read. She listens well, minds well, and is the biggest helper when asked to do something. All of these attributes make up her personality and it is how God has created her. But I also believe that having one on one attention all day from someone that had no other destractions has helped my child develop this way.
Now, why all of this has made me a better mother. Since I'm home while someone else is in my house, I have had to get my shit together. Knowing someone would be here at 8:30 Monday through Friday I knew I would have to be out of bed by 7:30, dressed, my child dressed, beds made and house "reletively" put together. All of these things I would have never done if I took my child to daycare or if I didn't work. It has made me accountable as a housewife. Also, as I've sat in my office and listened to things going on between nanny and daughter, I've noticed things that made me uncomfortable, but things that I easily as a "all-day" stay at home mom would probably do myself. For example, leave the TV on all day even if not watching it. I've had to ask E not to do this. And I've had to make an effort on days when I am home not to do this remember how much I didn't like it when somoene else did it. Watching my nanny say things like, "what do you want to do now? Play with playdough? Play with your babies? Play kitchen?" This started to bother me. So, I wrote out a schedule of activities where my daughter doesn't always have a choice, but instead has more structure: "now it is time to practice our ABC's with coloring or painting".
I have realized in watching others with my child how intentional I want to me as a parent. Every day is a new day. Every day counts. Every minute, every second is important. Yes, our children learn from us just by watching us, just by seeing what we do and how we react. But to be intentional with our children is priceless and this is why having a nanny in my home and viewing the lack of "intention" on some accounts has made me realize as a mother I need to be extremely proactive and extremely intentional.
Over the last 10 years I have worked on large furntirue and design projects for fortune 500 companies. I have gone through the logistics of moving thousands of employees from one location to another and having everything set up for them, staging projects, working with deadlines and juggling multiple tasks at one time. If I can put so much time and effort into these projects than I can put more time and effort into my children. I will be more passionate about my babies than I ever have been for work and this is something I will need to remember.
I am throwing in the business suites for a while and the glamorous lunches. The confidence, independence and structure that working has given me the last two years since my first daughter made me a mother are three characteristics I will continue to persue and provide for my children as a stay at home mom.
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